I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
