I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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