why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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