This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i came on her dog
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
