someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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