For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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