It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
