I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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