Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
