It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
