How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
