my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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