I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We are two peas in an std pod
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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