Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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