Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
