So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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