winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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