I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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