i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
