You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
