it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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