A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
