We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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