Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
