I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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