My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
