is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
