There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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