goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
time to smoke my breakfast
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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