Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
