fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
