Don't make out with my wife yet
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
