I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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