I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
