I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
