You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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