even my farts smell like vagina
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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