Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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