ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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