Please, let me fuck your mom
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
