Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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