Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
