I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
