she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
