listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
