11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
