I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
