remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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