The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
