A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
