it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
