I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
