got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i've created a new STD.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
