I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
