i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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