Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
