I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
